


If Only I Didn't Have Eternity

by thevalesofanduin



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drama, Everyone lives, F/M, Family, Gen, Kiliel is a ship made for sadness, Parent Thranduil, Rejection, sort of anyway (it's not like he's her father)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 18:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3259145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thevalesofanduin/pseuds/thevalesofanduin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love, in the end, does not conquer all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only I Didn't Have Eternity

She loves him.

He loves her.

She sees it in his loving eyes, his silly smiles and in the way his uncle hates her more than any other elf. And he is within her reach, his rough yet tender hands all but outstretched to her while his eyes and smile beckon her over, forever to hold her and her heart.

She wishes it were this simple, but it is not. It is not the two of them in this love of theirs and while they wish for nothing more than to be together those others involved do not share that sentiment.

_I hate you._ Thorin’s eyes tell her whenever she catches them.

_I don’t trust you._ Fili’s body language says whenever he sees her around his brother.

_Don’t you dare._ Thranduil’s every action and every word – even the not so carefully chosen ones, _especially_ those – tell her.

_You’re making a mistake._ Legolas’ hand on her shoulder whispers.

 

Kili worries and while she thinks it’s cute, it’s also heartbreaking.

For Kili worries about the hard road ahead of them. He worries about how he will reunite his family with her people and how they will come to accept their love. His worries always include a future for them and while he agonizes he is ever positive.

Forever believing in a positive outcome because doesn’t love conquer all?

When she hears his worries, she realizes that he is so much younger and immature than she is.

“What is on your mind?” He asks her once, when he has spoken of his worries and she doesn’t answer, doesn’t speak of her own worries.

She raises her eyes and looks at him.

Kili, her sweet Kili, that is looking at her with worry in his eyes and whose hands are itching to hug her for she knows he doesn’t deal well with her when she’s upset. He has worry lines on his brow, a downward curve on his lips and she realizes he worries not about their future now, but about her.

She reaches out a hand, letting the soft palm of her hand slide over his harsh stubble and un-even skin – so unlike anything she’s ever felt, so strange, so exciting. She cups his cheek and smiles. “Eternity.” She whispers at him.

His eyes widen, a gasp leaves his mouth and he kisses her with more love than he ever has.

He does not realize, eternity doesn’t mean to him what it means to her.

It breaks her heart.

 

When he asks her for her hand – for he can hardly ask anyone else – she knows she’s let this go on for too long. Knows she has to put a stop to this.

“You will be disowned,” she tries for they both know that the hate between her king and his uncle will taint any good relation between their people, especially love.

“Let him disown me! We will live in the woods, together and Fili will visit. We even have Bilbo to visit in the Shire. It will be grand.” Kili says in reply, eyes bright and happy as he imagines a future for them. He takes her hands in his and tells her: “I love you more than anything or anyone else. I would give up all I have for you.”

She’s speechless, doesn’t know how to respond to the words other than _“yes, please yes,”_ even though if she opens her mouth she knows the answer tumbling out will be _“oh, Elbereth, no”_.

Kili takes her silence as he does everything else in life. With a positive smile and a hopeful attitude. “Think on it,” he tells her, ever optimistic, when he kisses her hand as they part that day.

She promises she will.

She does.

Later that night, she thinks on his words. She thinks on his promises and his ever strong belief they will have a good future together.

She sees it when she closes her eyes.

She sees them together, caring and loving and in complete synch. Hunting for their food with their treasured bow and arrow and living their lives together.

It is love, it is happiness, it is perfection.

Until her dream turns into a nightmare.

Until he gets old, an ache in his bones, a fragileness in his body and a grayness in his hair.

Until she hunts by herself, cooks by herself, cares for him instead of caring with him.

Until it’s her living their life while he’s bound to bed with a painfully old body and a weary soul.

Until he dies.

When he dies, where does she go?

Surely she won’t stay in their little house in the woods, where she is sheltered from everyone and everything except for the painful memories of what once was. Of a house that was once filled with laughter and love. Of the grave behind the house she can’t bear to watch.

Surely she won’t go to Erebor, her love’s home. For it isn’t his home.

Surely she won’t go to Mirkwood, her own home. For she’s hardly welcome.

She can go to Rivendell, live amongst the gentle folk that are Lord Elrond’s people but she knows she won’t fit in. She’s hardly as serene and gentle as the elves of Rivendell and she knows she would feel like a bird caught in a cage.

So whatever happens when he is gone, she doesn’t know and she can’t say. But she knows she will be alone, without friends, without family, without _him_.

Alone for all eternity.

 

The next time she sees him, she breaks his heart.

She tries to do so gently, but when it comes to the ugly truth – or part thereof, for she doesn’t tell him the whole truth. She spares him that much – there is no gentle way.

He keeps up a good front, but his hands shake at his sides, his lips quiver and his eyes water with tears.

“I’m sorry.” She says.

“Are you?” He chokes back.

It breaks her heart to see him like this, to see the hurt and hatred in his eyes and to think she is the cause. That she is the intended for his hatred. 

It takes a lot of will-power to not tell him she is lying. That she does want to marry him. That she _does_ see their future together, it’s just that she also sees her future when their time together is over.

But she can’t. It is easier, after all, to leave him to think she was playing a game that ended too late than to have him realize it is something entirely different.

And as he turns and walks away from her, her heart aches and her soul bleeds. 

She clenches her hands at her side and watches his straight back, his hunched shoulders and his hands clenched into fists. She watches him until she can no longer see him, tears falling freely from her eyes and down her cheeks.

But he doesn’t see, for he not once turns around to look at her.

 

She doesn’t know how word goes around the kingdom that she’s broken the _poor dwarf’s_ heart.

Most likely someone followed her, watched her and is now spreading gossip as she is trying hard not to cry from a broken heart – although she broke it herself.

And whereas before they thought her foolish for her trysts with a dwarf, young for her belief that they could love one another, they now think her cruel. They whisper behind her back that her heart must be cold as ice for her to turn down one who loves her so fully and truly.

Now they do not say he is a dwarf, a dwarf that’s perhaps prettier than most but a dwarf nonetheless with all his ugliness and greed. Now they do not mutter he is so different, filthy, young, _un-suited_.

Now she is the one that plays with hearts, breaks them at her own convenience and for all that she is pretty she is not to be trusted.

She tries to not let it get to her, tries to not think too much about the others that whisper for they mean nothing to her. They are not her friends.

But when she finds Legolas one day on the training court shaking his head as he mutters he doesn’t understand her decision she feels as if no-one understands.

Why can’t they see? Why was she so foolish before and now that she’s done what everyone whispered she should, she’s cold?

Is there truly no-one that understands?

 

There is only one, in the end, that understands.

“You made the right choice.”

It is Thranduil that walks up to her as she listlessly stares out a window. Lately there has been little light or will in her.

She turns her eyes to him and frowns. He has long been a father figure to her and for him to be so cruel hurts. “So I keep hearing.” She says and shakes her head with a sigh. “At least from the ones that don’t say I have no heart for toying with one so young like this.”

Thranduil stands next to her, his hands folded neatly behind his back as he stares outside. “Yet it was no game.”

She lowers her eyes. “No.”

For a while, there is silence between them and she is lost in her thoughts and her emotions. But at least Thranduil is a steady presence at her side and it makes her calm.

“The dwarf, I do not like him.” Thranduil suddenly speaks.

Her head snaps to him straight away, a glare in her eyes but she does not comment.

Her king hasn’t finished speaking.

“It is not his race that makes me dislike him. Once, we were close with the dwarves of Erebor. We can still be, however, not with their current king. It is him my problem lies with and not with their race.” Thranduil explains. “His nephew, he is a prince which is what you deserve. Yet he is young still, in both age and mind. He is rash and while you are as well it doesn’t compare. Yet it is not the reason I am selfishly happy for your choice to remain with us.”

She feels shocked at what he is telling her. He is so open and honest, it is a side of him she has never seen before and perhaps a testament for how much he truly cares for her.

Yet she can’t help but wonder, worriedly, what the reason for his relief is. “Then what is the reason?”

Thranduil makes a soft sound which could be a huff, if she believes him able of such an undignified act. “I will only say this once, so cherish the words.” He tells her with the hints of a smile on his lips. “I see you as my daughter and just as with my son, I do not wish to part from you. When your mother passed away, your father perished and faded. I lost not only my best guard, but also someone whom I considered a great friend.” He pauses and turns his eyes to Tauriel. “The love you hold for that dwarf is true. I see it in your eyes. Yet he is mortal and when he dies, surely you will follow as your father followed your mother. And I simply cannot bear the thought of seeing you fade. It is a terrible sickness I would not even wish upon my enemies. Now, not having known love with him you will not fade. You will hurt, but you will remain. And as my daughter, selfishly, that is all that I wish for.”

For a moment she can only watch him with a baffled expression. He considers her his daughter.

Then, with all emotions of the past few days plaguing her mind, she hugs him.

It is awkward, doesn’t feel right and she considers pulling away for this is Thranduil, he will not like this.

But instead, she feels his hand come to rest against the back of her head. “Your heart bleeds for him, let it weep. Mourn the loss and though it may take longer than you wish it to, you will get past this.” He tells her in a soft, soothing tone only a parent can muster.

He offers her comfort where no-one has and within the safety of his embrace she allows a few tears to fall. She allows herself to mourn and to, hopefully, start the grieving so she can grow past her hurt.

When she pulls away he turns his head, allowing her a few moments to compose herself.

She takes a deep, shuddering breath, wipes her eyes and then stands straight again like he’s taught her. Keep your head high, back straight and face the world.

“Thank you.” She whispers, heart in her words.

He brushes a hand over her hair with a tender smile she has never seen on his lips before. “You are welcome.” He says before he turns around and walks away.

When he is almost out of sight, she can’t help but wonder out loud: “Would you have shun me, had I made a different choice?”

He pauses in his steps but doesn’t turn. And when he walks again, his soft voice drifts over to her. “Would my answer truly make you feel better?”

She blinks and thinks of what he means with that. Then, though, she realizes what he might be saying. That she might have made her decision based on wrong assumptions.

But as she watches him turn the corner, out of her sight and then she herself turns to watch the gardens below her, she can’t think that despite the heartache she now feels she indeed did make the right decision.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry?


End file.
